i love both you and the german language way too much
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Donnerstag, Juli 31, 2003
I'm getting back on the running wagon! hip hip hooray! I got this letter from the school inviting me to come to some athletic department leadership workshop or something, for which I had been, it said, nominated by one of my coaches. Stupidly enough, it reminded me of why I run, which I hadn't even realized I'd forgotten...I kept thinking about all of the wonderful things running does for me in my life, and that stuff's all valid, but its not what gets me out there every day, and it's not what I'm really about. See, I have a team, and a responsibility to them...somewhere in the past few months I had lost track of that pretty basic fact. strange, isn't it?
4:30 PM
Montag, Juli 28, 2003
wow...fuck you even more than before.
3:08 PM
fuck you brian, you a such a bastard. you know what senora daley says about assuming.
3:03 PM
I've just decided to start the heavy-duty unpacking/cleaning, and I start with a red wash. Before closing the lid to start the cycle, I mentally review my red, launderable possesions. There aren't many--a few shirts and my blankets...ahah. blankets. plural. where has my red fleece blanket gotten to? A brief search reveals it, still scrunched in a corner of my big black duffel. Something posesses me to hug it, to bury my face in it. I guess i just like the feeling of the fleece on my face. When I inhale, though, I'm completely enveloped in an olfactory memory. The blanket is still full of the North Ben Funk, which was most prominently present in my room, and I smell it and smell it and smell it, desperate to be sitting on my floor-bed there again, savoring the darkness, and my raspberry tea, and the thousand memories of the day--savoring cty. But I can't, and I know it. The littlest memories are gone now, and many others fading, leaving behind only what Mary told me to remember, the wanting to be able to keep every moment. And that's something. Something worthwhile. I breathe through the blanket once more, and sigh. Those were good times. I gently push the blanket inside of the confines of the washer, and then plunge my hand down, thorugh it, saturating and submerging the blanket in the cold water.
...I think I just realized how many times I'm going to have to say goodbye before I really let it go, the being there part of my cty-life. I guess it's a good thing, though.
2:27 AM
Mittwoch, Juli 23, 2003
my elbow begins to ache. perhaps I am aging prematurely and have arthritis.
11:56 PM
Dienstag, Juli 22, 2003
there's some unidentified, fragrant, sticky substance on my elbow, I haven't been able to get myself running, and I have a vague but rather strong desire to go on a water binge. other than that, life is weird.
11:53 PM
yippee skippee! I jes twent to driving school, even though I really didnt want to, and there was a kid from CTY there!!!! It wasn't anyone I actually knew, but I think he used my blanket as a superhero cape at cloudwatching one time. He was in MIND, in cas Tricia or Stephen or anyone reads this...it just makes me happy to know that there are other ctyers out there, you know, like it's actually all real.
other than that I've been having an extremely weird day today because of some stuff I've been considering, but I haven't exactly solidified my thoughts yet or decided if I'm actually serious about the, so I don't want to divulge them just yet. maybe later. Please forgive me if I seem weirder than usual.
9:06 PM
I took some of the thespark tests today that I've alread taken (procrastination can take place in the summer as well as the school year, for the truly skilled) and guess, what? I've gotten GAYER over the past few months. Isn't that curious? Has CTY made me gayer? Or does hanging out with only girls make me slowly gayer over time(in which case mightn't CTY have made me LESS gay, so that I should really have taken the test before leaving to measure my peak gayness?)? (one might ask if its just a silly test and doesnt mean anything, but that's such a ridiculous notion thatI don't feel the need to explore it :-P ) I used to be 32% gay, which I remember because it was exactly the average they listed for girls who declared themselves straight, and I think I was just 36% gay...I'm gayer than the average bear! I find this all so amusing, though I'm not really sure why. I'm also now predicted to have sex with two people in my life, instead of one, and even though I don't believe that it's interesting to wonder what changed in my responses to make the test say that.
4:00 PM
I ate an entire small (like the glass restaurant kind) bottle of ketchup in one sitting the other day. I just wanted to share that.
3:45 PM
Montag, Juli 21, 2003
*sigh* I'm on such a book-buying high! Everything was half off at the library book sale today, so I payed $8 for:
El Arte de la Conversación, Matematica: Octavo Grado, Österreich: Vom Bodensee zum Burgenland (beeeyooooteeful pictures of Austria from 1959, with descriptions auf Deutsch, natürlich), Theories of Personality, The Psychology of Language, BASIC para Niños (this one just cracks me up, for some reason), An Anthropologist on Mars, Quién Mato a los Robins? , and the real prize of the day, Ainsi Parlait Zarathoustra, which seems to be some kooky bilingual edition of something by Nietzsche (by the way, is there anything cooler than a word with the tzsch combination?) published in Paris with German on the left and French on the right...and it looks real old; there's no copyright date, but I'm going to have to cut the pages open if I wanna read it...like it was printed out on big sheets and the publisher just folded and bound them. I kind of remember my dad explaining this sort of thing to me when we read Les Mis when I was little...There were like folios, cuartos, and octavos, or something, and they were of different quality depending on how many times they had been folded...I'll have to show/ask him later. dude, I'm loving it.
5:52 PM
My mom told me that the people from siena called to see if I was coming...apparently Baltimore hadn't told them yet. It really creeped me out, though, to think that I'm a ghost-person on some hall there, with a sign for me on a door, and a girl with a phantom roommate...maybe I'll become a running joke, or something. It makes me feel kind of sick to think about it.
12:36 AM
Sonntag, Juli 20, 2003
Was completely incapable of listening or concentrating in church, which is rare, but for some unknown reason they played the old aleluia, like, from when I was little, instead of the crappy new one they usually play excejpt during Christmas and Easter (maybe they dont want us feeling too much joy on non-feast days????) and it made me feel truly happy and...like rejoicing...for the first time since either the last dance or those 42-second hugs (damn, were there a lot of them :) )
7:34 PM
In response to my away message:
Marina1127: i'm not sure if you remember me, but this is marina from skidmore '00. being one year removed from CTY nevermore status, I know exactly how you feel. and even though it doesn't seem like it will, it will get better. I remember coming home after second session and not being able to get back to normal for the entire month of august. it feels as if everything you've ever loved has suddenly been taken from you, and that you can never get it back (damn, i'm really not helping you feel better). but the truth is, it gets much better. you have the memories, and they always mean a lot... and you have the people you have met - the ones you love, the ones you never forget, you will continue keeping in touch with, trust me on this one. tommorow i'm taking a friend up to second session at saratoga, and as much as i love cty and as much as it has changed me, i don't have the desire to be in her shoes. i'm ok. and i'm happy with what cty has given me, and all of the wonderful people i've met there. i guess i've just come to terms with it. i know probably none of this has helped, but i assure you that it will get better.
People are cool. Especially CTY people.
11:11 AM
Samstag, Juli 19, 2003
There's a feeling I get when I look to the West and my spirit is crying for leaving.
Got back from CTY last night and I'm...wrecked. I cant seem to wrap my mind around the idea that i's ended and yet it's possible for me to go on living. When i think about other things, or just about talking to people, or missing individual people, or all of my grand reunion plans, I range between okayishness and longing sadness, but whenever it occurs to me that I'll never *insert magical verb capable of encompassing the various forms of ridiculous and 'normal' dancing, the swaying circles, the watching of raving, the running, the jumping, the arm-upholding, the resting on the grass, the ground-dancing, the singing, the self-injurous O L'Amour clapping, the general knowing that youre the happiest you've ever been in your life, and of course the American Pie-ing here* at another cty dance, or spend another day lying around on the grass and other people on Hartman Green or by the duckpond at Skidmore, or eat in the near-alcove area, or nearly run into a wall during istanbul, or marry inanimate objects again, I'm overcome with this sort of desperate, panicking feeling that my soul has been viciously ripped from my body with a metal clawlike instrument. CTY has been so much to me...the best twelve or fifteen weeks of my life for one (or twelve or fifteen) thing(s)and a very real and beautiful part of it is over, like forever. I can remember all of the wise and inspiring things the nomores who went before and my friends and Mary have told me, and I can remember that i understood and believed them once but right now I just don't; all I can feel is pain and loss. CTY is what I imagine and extrapolate it must feel like to be in love...this is my heart breaking.
9:13 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
